Five Fears That I Have
1. Never knowing what I want to do with the rest of my life
When I started college, I thought I knew what I wanted to do with the rest of my life. I envisioned that I would graduate with a degree in Socio-legal Studies, go to law school, study public interest law, graduate, and become a public defender. I saw myself eventually becoming a judge and later a US Supreme Court justice, because naturally, that's how it happens. But now, three years into college, I'm not so sure anymore. I'm set to graduate fall quarter of next year, two quarters early, and it terrifies me to know that I don't have a plan. I'm the girl that likes to know what's going on. I can't just jump into the unknown clueless; I'm not about that life. I don't even know in which direction I'm heading and that is really scary. The only thing I know for sure is that I want to help people. Giving back to the community is my calling, helping others is what I know I am meant to do, but that could pretty much mean anything. If I can't even decide what to eat for lunch, how am I supposed to choose a direction for my life? I'm not ready to leave college. The fact that I don't know what comes next is absolutely terrifying.
2. Always being the outlier
Growing up, I was always the outlier. I was always the awkward one, who basically spent all of her time learning everything about the world and giving back to the community. From early on, I knew I was different. I was always the outside observer of everything, never on the inside of what was going on. I wasn't the pretty one or the popular one. I was the awkward, nerdy, band geek who loved people and loved learning. I was the person who did things for the challenge, and epically failed at them (like sports). I've learned that the awkward stage is a lifelong battle for me; it's not something that I've been able to outgrow. You don't see characters like me winning at life in the media. It's taken me a long time to become comfortable with my position as an outlier, but sometimes, always being on the outside can get lonely. Sometimes, I just wish that I could be on the inside for once. Is that too much to ask?
3. Not doing something that matters
I know that what I'm meant to do in life is help people. I'm not sure in which way I will do that, but I will help people. I sometimes fear that I won't be able to do enough to actually matter, that what I do will not have the effects I want it to have. I fear that I won't leave behind a legacy of service and that I won't actually help other people along the way. I worry that I will fall into a career I hate but have to keep because of the salary. And if that occurs, I worry that I won't be helping the world in the way I want to help it and that I will have been wasting my life on all the wrong things. I worry that when I leave college, I won't have the education to do what I want to do, because by then, I will have changed my mind a thousand times about where I want to be in the next couple of years.
4. Abandonment
For the larger part of my life, I've dealt with a lot of people shuffle in and out of my life, several times even. It's become hard for me to become attached to people because when I do, they always seem to leave me. They abandon me. It's hard for me to let people in, it's hard for me to be vulnerable and share myself with people for fear that I will become attached and they will leave again. With a past of friends abandoning me and a dad who has jumped in and out of my life constantly, I've just become accustomed to leaving people on the outside to prevent myself from getting hurt. It's sad really, but I am getting better at it.
5. The Unknown
As a person who likes to be in control of everything about here, I really get anxiety when thinking about the unknown. No, it's not logical to be in control of everything around you; there are just some things you can't have control over. But if I could, my personality would like to think that I would. I hate not having a plan. I hate jumping into things without any clue of what is going to happen. I always have a plan. Thinking about not knowing what's going to happen or where my life is going to lead is terrifying. It can give me an adrenaline rush at times, knowing I can forge my own path for the future, but generally, it scares me so much. I cannot jump in head first without knowing the expectations or the outcome. That's just not who I am.
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