30 Day Writing Challenge: My First Love and First Kiss

My First Love and First Kiss

I wish I had a story for you; I really do. Unfortunately, I do not. I've never had a first love, and I've never had a first kiss. In fact, I've never even had a boyfriend. And because of this, people pity me. By my age, people assume that I would have had my first kiss and my first boyfriend, and a couple other ones after that. At 21, it seems like everyone has had that experience. For those of us who have not had those experiences, we appear strange, or weird, and people can't comprehend exactly why it is that those "rites of passage" of our teenage years have not hit us yet. It's taken me awhile, years in fact, but I've become okay with it. I've become okay with the fact that I have not ever had a boyfriend, or had a first kiss, or had a first date. I've learned to be okay being alone and single; it's made me a stronger and better person. Would I like to have those experiences? Sure, at some point in my life, but I'm not going to rush into them just because it seems like everyone else has had them long ago. If they happen, they happen. We're all on different paths in life, and comparing myself to the life path of someone else does nothing in terms of improving my own position in mine. So I'm just going to roll with it. 

Growing up, I had a strong feeling that I would be this person: a 21 year old woman who has never been on a date or been kissed or had a boyfriend. I was always the awkward one, who basically spent all of her time learning everything about the world and giving back to the community. I'd squeeze some friend time and some alone time in there too, but from early on, I knew I was different. While friends were having their first boyfriends and first kisses and first dates and first times, I was the observer. I was the outside observer that they would come to for advice and the person that could be there for them when their bad relationships reached their inevitable ends. I wasn't the pretty one or the popular one. I was the awkward, nerdy, band geek who loved people and loved learning. I wasn't that girl asked to a school dance by their high school crush like you see in the movies. I wasn't the pretty one who had boys following her around waiting for their chance to be with her. I wasn't the one anyone talked about in a more-than-friend kind of way. I was the one that people asked for homework help. I was the person people asked for life advice. I was the person people asked for help doing things. I was the person who played sports even though I was really not that athletic or skilled at them. I was the person who was horrible at picking up subtle signals about anything, since I am not very perceptive. I was the person who cared more about grades than one should. I was the one that was bullied and picked on for being different. I was the one who spend weekends studying or volunteering instead of hanging with the popular kids.  If that's my legacy, loving others, loving learning, and having a passion for helping, I can live with that. In high school and middle school, I didn't see it that way.

I used to see myself as the ugly ducking of my friend group, the one that no one wanted and that would be left behind once the others paired off. I saw myself as the one hoping someone would notice me, that someone would surprise me and reveal that they had feelings for me. I saw myself as the one who had so much darkness and unresolved anxiety on the inside that I would never be beautiful and that no one would want me, that I had no worth. I hit the jackpot in terms of the awkward stage: braces, acne, glasses, a little extra weight, anxiety, and smarts. Unfortunately that awkward stage is a lifelong battle for me; it's not something that I've been able to outgrow. You don't see characters like that winning at life in the media. You don't see them in the rom-coms or the romance movies. No. Those are the kids the popular kids bully, the ones that are laughed at for thinking they have a shot with those "out of their league," the ones that people use as a doormat and take advantage of, and the ones that are forever alone. When that's what you have to look forward to, what is the point?

I no longer see myself that way, and it's taken me a long time to become comfortable with my position as an outlier. I see myself as a strong, independent, intelligent woman who loves people and has a passion for helping others. I desire to make a change in the world, and I know that I can do anything I set my mind to. I know that I do not need an "other half" to be happy and live life, but I'm not closed off to the idea of life companion who can push me to be the better version of myself each and every day. If I'm the outlier because I've put so much time into working on making myself a better person, I can live with that. 

30 Day Challenges

I never thought I would be the person to embark on 30 day challenges. I would ask people, "30 days? What could you possibly change about your life in a month? If you only do it for 30 days, how are you going to stick with it afterwards?" I was a skeptic of the idea of a 30 day challenge. That is until I embarked on a very important one during my freshman year of college. 

We watched videos about these challenges in my leadership class, and I sat there, a skeptic, thinking about how dumb the people in the videos were. I personally believed that 30 days was not enough to form a new habit. When I was assigned to undertake a challenge of my own, I was not happy to say the least. I figured, however, that if I was going to try to do one, I would at least do one that was meaningful and had the potential to change me for the better, rather than mimicking those I saw having to do with eating at Starbucks for 30 days or stuff like that.

I had recently read an article about a woman who went one year without mirrors in order to increase her self-esteem and improve her image about herself and her body. It was an incredible story. She didn't use a mirror for anything. I couldn't imagine not using a mirror for makeup. That's when it clicked for me. I had spent many years of my life with low self-esteem and hating how I looked. I would spend so much time comparing myself to others and to the unrealistic beauty standards portrayed by the media. I was in a dark place through middle and high school, and spent so much time worry about what others though of me that it broke me. In a new area with people I'd never met before, starting college away from home gave me a new start. But soon, the feelings began to reappear, as my cystic acne began popping up again and the lack of time I had for proper self care began to increase. I knew my cystic acne would be a lifelong battle; that's the struggle of the skin problem. But when people started to point it out, asking me if I was washing my face less, or suggesting that I try an acne product they used in the past that worked for them, I began to fall into a dark place. What they didn't understand was that their seemingly innocent comments actually served to feed my lack of self-esteem even more. I always washed my face. I had tried everything on the market which ultimately led me to get the diagnosis of cystic acne and start on a remedy of birth control and clindamycin/benzol peroxide gel. Knowing the comments would never end, I decided to embark on a challenge with 30 days without mirrors to build up my self-esteem and self-image. 

I filled my dorm mirror with sticky notes with positive quotes to make sure I didn't use it. (:

30 days without mirrors changed my life for the better, and ultimately saved my life. It allowed me to see myself as worthy and to see that the only judgment that mattered about my image was mine. It was hard, as I also included reflections as well, since mirrors or reflective surfaces appeared to be everywhere. I was determined to make it work though, since I knew that I would spend hours analyzing myself and becoming less and less content with just being me. I would pick out the flaws and watch as they appeared more imminent, worrying that others could see them. The challenge became easier with time, and I even got to the point where I could put makeup on without a mirror. Those skills are surprisingly mostly muscle memory. I didn't include makeup as a no-no in my challenge because I've been able to see how makeup can be a confidence booster, not by changing your self image, but just the creativity of it and the feeling of doing something for oneself. By the end of the 30 days, I had a new appreciation for myself, and started to see myself as a beautiful soul. I no longer spent hours analyzing my looks in the mirror or comparing myself to others. It's still work to keep that positive self image going, even two years later, but it's gotten easier over time. That challenge was one of the best things I've ever done in my life.

I haven't taken on a challenge since then, but upon seeing all of the positive changes I could make, I decided to start them up again. Stay tuned for my future challenges.