30 Day Writing Challenge: What I Wore Today

Because I am on winter break and didn't need to leave my house and venture out into the cold abyss that is winter, I got to lounge in comfy clothes. For me, those choices were a pink tie dye shirt from when I played high school in volleyball, and some grey, old, comfy, broncos sweats. Nothing like a t-shirt and sweats, accompanied by a lazy day and hot chocolate and cuddles with my cat.

30 Day Writing Challenge: The Night of My 21st Birthday

On October 14, 2015, I turned 21. In the United States, turning 21 is treated as some sort of rite of passage into adulthood, celebrated by the legality of consuming alcohol, often times ending in a severe hangover the next morning. In Colorado, the same intent goes with weed. In Costa Rica, those rites of passage have already been completed at age 18. When I told others that I would be turning 21 during my time abroad in Costa Rica, people were excited, citing how lucky I was and how cool that would be. I didn't think much of those comments, until my birthday actually happened.

My birthday present to myself:
lunch from the local soda.

For those that know me well, I'm not a huge birthday celebrator. When I was younger, I used to plan halloween-themed parties with piñatas. As I grew older, I felt like I had fewer and fewer real friends, and less and less reason to celebrate. My methods of celebrating transformed, from crazy costume party sleepovers to movies and dinners with close friends. When I started college, I would go out to dinner with friends and continue the rest of my day as normal. I've never been super big about celebrating birthdays. So, as you can imagine, when I would picture what my 21st birthday celebration would be like, I pictured a small dinner with friends, enjoying a drink with dinner. This is way different than how most celebrate their 21st birthday: going to bars or clubs and getting wasted. Bars and clubs can be chill sometimes, but they're really not my scene. I'd rather go on a night hike, or stay in and watch a movie, or go to a festival of some sort. When I imagined my 21st birthday, I did not picture how my birthday was actually celebrated here. And for me, I have mixed feelings about it.

What happens when your roommate is
a cosmetologist and it's your birthday

Those lights tell it all

Back to those comments. I shouldn't have felt like my 21st birthday was not that great. After all, I was lucky to be celebrating my 21st birthday in a foreign country often thought of as "tropical paradise." It was cool that I would not be celebrating my birthday in the United States. It is true that I have fallen in love with the country that is Costa Rica and that it has many beautiful, rich cultures that I've been able to explore. I'm so thankful for this opportunity that I have been able to access. But for me, what makes my birthday special is when I get to celebrate it with the other special people in my life: my best friends and my pets. My two best friends are back in Colorado, as are my two cats. I envisioned celebrating my "rite of passage" into adulthood with my them, enjoying a drink with dinner at a restaurant and then catching a movie, or taking a stroll in the parks. I didn't get to do that. Instead, I ended up at a reggae bar with my housemates that I've only known for a couple of weeks with an endless stream of drinks expected to be drunk. I am grateful to my housemates for their enthusiasm in celebrating my birthday and taking me out. I appreciate everything they've done for me. And my feelings are all me and have nothing to do with them. Their celebration was great and I really am thankful that they went out of their way to host it for me. But that celebration, that place, that's just not me. That scene, that type of celebration, is great for many people, but just not for me. And I'm okay with that.

30 Day Writing Challenge: My Morning Routine

My morning routine is basically just like that of every other college student, except for the living and studying abroad part. I wake up half an hour before I have to head down to breakfast with mi familia tica, because I am not a morning person. I shower, put on my acne cream, put on my face moisturizer, brush my hair, and get dressed. At 7:30, I head down to have breakfast with my housemates and mama tica. She usually makes us a sandwich or eggs and toast with a bowl of fruit, orange juice, and coffee. The first two months of my abroad experience, I used to leave five minutes before 8am, when my first class would start, since I only live a two minute walk from the university. Since I no longer have a Spanish class, I don't have my class on Mondays and Wednesdays until 6pm, and my class on Tuesdays and Thursdays until 3pm. I usually spend my morning relaxing, working on homework (just a bit though, since I don't have much), browsing the internet and reading emails, or running errands. On Fridays, I have no classes, so that makes my weekends longer.

30 Day Writing Challenge: Something I'd Say to An Ex

When I saw this topic, I thought this was an odd one. What do you mean what would I say to an ex? Is it just something random you'd bring up? Is there a conversational context? Also, I feel like every relationship you have with a person is very different, so I don't really think you can generalize. But what do I know? I've never been in one.

If I were to ever have an ex in my life, I would hope that we would agree to part on good terms. I would wish that person good luck in their future endeavors and hope they find everything they are looking for in life. Really. I don't know if that's possible in reality, though. I've seen so much shade thrown after relationships end. But what do I know? I'm only an outside observer.

30 Day Challenge December 2015

For my 30 Day Challenge this month, due to the amount of free time with academics during my time left abroad and the rest of December being break for me, I plan to watch a documentary every day, as well as finish up my writing challenge, since I definitely slacked on that. This can be a short video or a long film, but I plan to educate myself about some new topics while appreciating the art that is filmmaking. I'll try and post my thoughts and recommendations, but now promises. And I'm off!

30 Day Writing Challenge: Music on Shuffle

Music on Shuffle

For this challenge, I'm supposed to shuffle my music player and write down the first three songs that play and my initial reaction. However, I don't have a music player, so I guess I'll just roll with my Jango mix, because Pandora doesn't work abroad.

1. "Feel So Close" - Calvin Harris

This is one of those songs that I workout to or just play when I need some energy. I like it. 

2. "Big Girls Don't Cry" - Fergie

When I was younger, the lyrics of this song were in the J-14 magazine I had a subscription to. I learned all the lyrics and I've enjoyed it ever since then. It's so smooth and always a throwback every time I hear it.

3. "Banana Pancakes" - Jack Johnson

This song is so chill. Before the song started, I saw the title, recognized it, but couldn't remember the song. When it started playing, I knew it, and the chorus, right away. It's a good song for when I'm relaxing.

30 Day Writing Challenge: Five Fears That I Have

Five Fears That I Have

1. Never knowing what I want to do with the rest of my life

When I started college, I thought I knew what I wanted to do with the rest of my life. I envisioned that I would graduate with a degree in Socio-legal Studies, go to law school, study public interest law, graduate, and become a public defender. I saw myself eventually becoming a judge and later a US Supreme Court justice, because naturally, that's how it happens. But now, three years into college, I'm not so sure anymore. I'm set to graduate fall quarter of next year, two quarters early, and it terrifies me to know that I don't have a plan. I'm the girl that likes to know what's going on. I can't just jump into the unknown clueless; I'm not about that life. I don't even know in which direction I'm heading and that is really scary. The only thing I know for sure is that I want to help people. Giving back to the community is my calling, helping others is what I know I am meant to do, but that could pretty much mean anything. If I can't even decide what to eat for lunch, how am I supposed to choose a direction for my life? I'm not ready to leave college. The fact that I don't know what comes next is absolutely terrifying.

2. Always being the outlier

Growing up, I was always the outlier. I was always the awkward one, who basically spent all of her time learning everything about the world and giving back to the community. From early on, I knew I was different. I was always the outside observer of everything, never on the inside of what was going on. I wasn't the pretty one or the popular one. I was the awkward, nerdy, band geek who loved people and loved learning. I was the person who did things for the challenge, and epically failed at them (like sports). I've learned that the awkward stage is a lifelong battle for me; it's not something that I've been able to outgrow. You don't see characters like me winning at life in the media. It's taken me a long time to become comfortable with my position as an outlier, but sometimes, always being on the outside can get lonely. Sometimes, I just wish that I could be on the inside for once. Is that too much to ask?

3. Not doing something that matters

I know that what I'm meant to do in life is help people. I'm not sure in which way I will do that, but I will help people. I sometimes fear that I won't be able to do enough to actually matter, that what I do will not have the effects I want it to have. I fear that I won't leave behind a legacy of service and that I won't actually help other people along the way. I worry that I will fall into a career I hate but have to keep because of the salary. And if that occurs, I worry that I won't be helping the world in the way I want to help it and that I will have been wasting my life on all the wrong things. I worry that when I leave college, I won't have the education to do what I want to do, because by then, I will have changed my mind a thousand times about where I want to be in the next couple of years.

4. Abandonment

For the larger part of my life, I've dealt with a lot of people shuffle in and out of my life, several times even. It's become hard for me to become attached to people because when I do, they always seem to leave me. They abandon me. It's hard for me to let people in, it's hard for me to be vulnerable and share myself with people for fear that I will become attached and they will leave again. With a past of friends abandoning me and a dad who has jumped in and out of my life constantly, I've just become accustomed to leaving people on the outside to prevent myself from getting hurt. It's sad really, but I am getting better at it. 

5. The Unknown

As a person who likes to be in control of everything about here, I really get anxiety when thinking about the unknown. No, it's not logical to be in control of everything around you; there are just some things you can't have control over. But if I could, my personality would like to think that I would. I hate not having a plan. I hate jumping into things without any clue of what is going to happen. I always have a plan. Thinking about not knowing what's going to happen or where my life is going to lead is terrifying. It can give me an adrenaline rush at times, knowing I can forge my own path for the future, but generally, it scares me so much. I cannot jump in head first without knowing the expectations or the outcome. That's just not who I am.

30 Day Writing Challenge: Ten Interesting Facts About Myself

Ten Interesting Facts About Myself

1. I've been doing my mom's taxes since seventh grade. 

I like numbers and love math, so it just clicked. That was the year I became a member of my middle school's Math Counts team. (I know, hella nerdy. Competitions with math problems. It's like that Mathletes scene from Mean Girls). It wasn't all nerdy, though. We had an awesome name: The Peace Frogs. Not that it had anything to do with math. I met some great individuals through that club, including one of my closest friends throughout high school. Pretty sure he's too cool now to admit he was ever a part of a club like that (just kidding, maybe not; you know I adore you anyways, even if we haven't talked in a couple of years). It put me on the career path to possibly become an accountant or an engineer, even though I eventually changed my mind. I thought doing my mom's taxes would be good practice for the real world. Now, it's become a yearly habit. I guess if you need help with your taxes, you know who to call. It's not like they teach you that skill in school, though I strongly believe that and money management should be taught, because there are so many members of my generation without those real-world skills.

2. I half regret prioritizing sports in high school.

Let's be real. Even though I loved sports (and still love them to this day), I was never very athletic. Was I in shape? Yes. Was I athletic and equipped for improving greatly over time? No. When I was in high school, I played four sports: volleyball, basketball, track & field, and tennis.

Volleyball

C-Team - Fall 2010

Volleyball is my absolute favorite sport. I had played it since sixth grade. I love everything about it. Though I always put in 100% effort, I never was able to improve my skills at a fast enough rate to move up in the volleyball world. I spent two years on C-Team and made it onto the JV squad my junior year. The only reason I wasn't cut from the team my freshman year was because of my work ethic ( I appreciated the bluntness of the JV coach that year). Though I improved greatly since 6th grade, I lacked many of the skills that would enable me to move onto the varsity squad my senior year. My coach always had to substitute someone in for me to serve, because I was not able to serve overhand very well. Though I finally got the hang of net work, my height never acted in my favor. I eventually was limited to back row passing and libero work. I was fine with that. My passing improved greatly that season, but I had gone from starting the season to warming the bench. At the end of the year, I didn't get to play in the JV tournament. Instead, I played in the C-Team tournament, and though I had some good plays in that tournament, I lost all confidence in my ability to succeed in the sport I love and didn't join volleyball my senior year. It was hard on me because I didn't want to quit, but felt obligated to, with a mindset that I would be cut anyways.

Basketball

I had also played basketball since sixth grade. My favorite part was the team aspect of it and learning how to improve my shots. Similarly, though I always put in 100% effort, I never was able to improve my skills at a fast enough rate to move up in the basketball world. I spent the first year on C-Team, moving onto the JV squad my sophomore year, and making it to the varsity squad my junior year. And even though I still sucked, I was on top of the world. I made varsity and it couldn't get any better than that. However, I basically warmed the bench the entire season. I wish I would have had the opportunity to swing down to JV to get more playing time like one of my teammates. My senior year, excited for basketball to start but busy with my newfound interest in theatre, I could tell that this season would go downhill as well. I ended up on the JV squad, which I felt was a demotion, but after looking at the skilled, younger players who made it, I always wondered what happened to me. Wasn't I supposed to be getting better as the years went on, not worse? Though I also improve greatly since 6th grade, I lacked many of the skills that would enable me to have made the varsity squad for my senior year. Throughout my senior year, I went from starting JV, to warming the bench for JV, to swinging down to C-Team, to serving as the point guard for C-Team. I was back to where I was freshman year. I was playing at a lower level than I had the previous two years. Though I looked like a rockstar playing at that level, I felt cheated. I almost wish I would have been cut that year. I would have appreciated some blunt feedback and just a severing of ties. I considered quitting to focus on pep band and the upcoming spring musical. Looking back, I should have. Like volleyball, it was hard for me to end it when it was one of the only things I had known. I lost all confidence in my ability to succeed in the sport I love and had a really shitty last season. My senior night, I was allowed to play for a little bit on varsity, and I scored. That's great. But when we went into the locker room and I was applauded for scoring, making one shot, I knew that I did not belong in the sports world. That's the goal, to make shots. I was given a round of applause for meeting the aim of basketball. What's so special about that? That's when I confirmed my belief that I sucked.

Track & Field

I had participated in track & field since seventh grade. My favorite part of track is the simultaneous team and individual dynamics. Similarly, though I always put 100% into every practice and every meet, I was never able to improve my skills at a fast enough rate to move up in the track world. I peaked my sophomore year in terms of times and distance, and after that season, it went downhill. I had always run the short distances, like the 100m and 200m dash, as well as participated in long jump and javelin. I improved over time, but I was never fast enough nor strong enough to be competitive. During my junior year, my race times slipped and my distance in long jump decreased to the point where I was scratching every jump. I had gone from participating in several events to very few if any. I couldn't be competitive, and that is not great for a competitive sports team. I lost all confidence in my ability to succeed and didn't join track my senior year. Like volleyball and basketball, it was hard for me to end it when it was one of the only things I knew.

Tennis

I didn't join tennis until my senior year of high school. I wish I would have joined earlier, because I quickly fell in love with the sport. Instead of track & field, I decided to try out for the tennis team. Having been my first time playing, I thought I was going to get cut. One of the coaches ended up deciding that since there were so many beginners, no one would be cut, just compete at the JV level. I was fine with that. Tennis helped bring my confidence back in my ability to play sports, until I started losing my new skills due to balancing tennis with pit orchestra. If I can pick it up again, I definitely will.

Why I Only Half Regret Staying Involved in Them

"Once Upon A Mattress" - Spring 2012

Looking back, I have a new perspective and a better idea of my true passions. I know now that sports are fun and great, but I didn't have a true passion for them. I loved theatre and debate & forensics, but didn't prioritize them enough to have a meaningful experience. I didn't really feel a strong attachment to student council or National Honor Society. What I really had a passion for was community service and helping others: volunteer work on my own, as well as Key Club and Interact. My other main passion was for music. By prioritizing sports, trying to fit in with the popular athletes and trying to be more like them because I thought that was what I needed to do, I missed out on some potentially great experiences. I missed out on bonding with my bandmates through pep band events. I am fortunate that by quitting volleyball, I was able to help reboot the marching band at my school. That was my passion. By prioritizing sports, I missed out on being involved in theatre on a deeper level, more than my semi-involvement in pit orchestra and building the sets. I missed out on improving my public speaking skills and my ability to tell a story through forensics. I feel odd going back to judge because I was a horrible participant when I was there. Though I missed out on pursing my true passions, the experience helped me realize what I am truly passionate about, what I want to spend my time on. I don't try to do all the clubs because now I know what I truly have a passion for. I no longer do things because I've always done them and no longer feel guilty leaving situations I don't enjoy.

3. Involvement in music saved my life.

I have always loved music. From singing along to songs on the radio, to joining choir in elementary school, to beastin' the recorder in third grade, music was meant to be for me. I was the one who would practice all the time at home, singing, the recorder, everything. I loved it. I knew that it would be a life long passion of mine. In April of 2006, I told my mom that I wanted to join band in the fall when I headed to middle school. My mom was hesitant at first, because if you know anything about instruments, you'd know they are hella expensive. The initial purchase, the upkeep, all of it. I begged and begged and begged. She finally let us go look at instruments at Campus Music, a local music store. I told them that I was looking for a clarinet. Why a clarinet? Long ago, I had a strong desire to learn piano and to become a percussionist. When my mom couldn't afford lessons for piano in order to qualify for entrance into the percussion section at the middle school, I changed my mind and thought that I would learn the violin. It was a common instrument and I liked the way it sounded. But one day, my school took a field trip to see the Greeley Philharmonic Orchestra. After that concert, after hearing the beautiful sounds coming out of the clarinet, I knew that I would be a clarinetist.

In April of 2006, my mom worked out a rent-to-own plan with the shop owner and I was off to become a clarinetist. I taught myself to play that clarinet, spending hours each day with the a beginner's book. It came easily, as I had already had previous experience with reading music due to elementary choir and the recorder. At the time, it was a large instrument for my tiny body, but it was meant to be, my clarinet and me. Little did I know that getting that clarinet would change my life.

I've been involved in band since the sixth grade. It's become an obsession of mine. To add to my obsession with music, I joined choir and orchestra later in high school, and continued my music in college, through the pep band. My clarinet, and my music, have been a source of stability in my life. I've been able to escape from the world through that music, and regain ahold of my life when I felt is was crumbling away. It's the one thing that hasn't ever left me; it's always there when I need it to be. During middle and high school, I had a really rough time. I didn't belong anywhere, I had very few friends, and I didn't feel like I could keep living like that. The bullying got really bad and I started writing song lyrics to cope with everything that was going on. It helped me survive those years, that, playing my clarinet, and band. 

Band was the first place where I felt where I belonged. I've always been the outcast and have always felt super alone, but not in band. In band, the people understood me. They didn't need to know my history, or my background, or my struggles. They loved me for me and loved me for loving music. That love saved my life. If I didn't find that family in band, I don't even know if I'd be alive today. That's the truth. I've met some of the most amazing people through music in my life. I met one of my best friends in sixth grade band and we just clicked. Most of the people I consider friends have been a part of the music or larger arts community in one capacity or another. Artists, whether they be musicians or thespians or painters, are the most amazing people I have ever met. They are among the most openminded, the most accepting, the most loving, and the most raw. The arts are a critical subject that teach one how to be human, to be compassionate and loving and creative and fun, but also critical and analytical and organized and patient. I will fight for arts education all my life, because it saved my life. If it saved my life, I imagine it has saved many others too.

4. Bullying and suicide are issues I am extremely passionate about; they've shaped my experiences and who've I've become.

Basically throughout my entire life, I've experienced bullying in one capacity or another. In my early years of elementary school, I regret to say that I was a bully. I would tell people they couldn't hang out with us because they weren't popular enough. I would try to tell people they weren't real fill-in-the-blank-with-any-religious-group because they didn't fill-in-the-blank-characteristic-action-of-any-religious-group. I wasn't event religious, nor brought up in a religious household. I just thought I knew better than everyone else. I was bossy as hell. I would tell people what to do and how to do it. I was an awful person. It wasn't until my third grade year that I started to transform a bit. I learned to respect others a lot more after doing part of my third grade year in Spanish.

When I switched to a new elementary school, I had to make new friends, and in order to do that, I had to not be a bully anymore, though I quickly fell into my old habits. I made a best friend who I am happy to say somehow stuck by me and is my best friend currently, but I still had a problem with spreading rumors about people and bossing others around. Once, I wrongly assumed that my "friend" had stolen a bracelet of mine that came with a pair of pants when I bought them when I saw her wearing one just like it. It apparently didn't occur to me that the bracelet came with every pair of pants and there was a possibility that she also bought that same pair of pants. So I spread a rumor that she was a thief, and I got sent to the principal's office because of it. That's when my teacher decided to have a chat with me and my mom and let me know that stuff like that wouldn't fly. Later on in the year, someone told the principal that I had told everyone that a girl I knew gave a boy I knew a blowjob. I didn't even know what that was in fifth grade. The claim was false, but with my reputation as a rumor-spreader, it would make sense why I was accused. After that, I vowed to stop being a bully for good. By the end of the year, I was done. I was done being the bully. I was done with that whole gossip and rumor mill. I was not about that life anymore because nothing good came from it.

When I headed to middle school, once again, I had to make new friends. My best friend was going to a different middle school, and I knew that if I were to slip back into my old ways, it would not be a good three years. Luckily, I really didn't. I was still a bit bossy, but other than that, I separated myself from the title of bully. Sixth grade was great! I made a lot of new friends, did a lot of cool things, and was excited for the rest of middle school. It went downhill from there, though. Seventh and eighth grade were rough. This is the point where most people are trying to figure out who they are, going through various phrases. Seventh grade was when cliques started to form and the drama began. In seventh and eighth grade, I faced bullying. Though I had a nice support system among my friends, it was hard for me to deal with being on the other side, as the victim. People I thought were friends attempted to kick me out of friend groups, people teased me about my acne and my smarts. This was the age boys were no longer seen as having cooties, when all of my friends began to "date." When it was crucial to be asked to dances and to hang with the popular kids and it mattered what people though about you. Besides the bullying, I had a rough time at home, feeling like I had no support there and facing struggles you aren't supposed to deal with at that age. Along with that, the bulk of my support system was not free from problems themselves. I had many friends self-harm, several attempt suicide, and some attempt suicide several times. At that age, you should not have to stay on the phone for hours trying to convince your friends not to end it all. I constantly found myself crying myself to sleep and looking for any way out. It was too much to deal with at that young age. With violence and terror and sadness and harm surrounding me from all fronts, I fell into a really dark place. I started playing my clarinet more often and began to write songs to attempt to cope. It was a really hard life for a seventh grader. By the end of eighth grade, things began to look up, with friends getting the help they needed, but the dysfunction wasn't completely gone. I looked forward to high school, thinking maybe things would get better. Little did I know, they would for awhile, but then they would start to crumble once again.

When I headed to high school, luckily many of my close friends headed to the same one, so this time, I didn't have to start all over again. But at the same time, I started to see reality for what it was and the rose-colored perspective that I saw my experience through faded away over the years. I had a great freshman year; it was easily my favorite out of my four years of high school. I made a bunch of new friends, got involved, and things started to look up. Sophomore, things started of great too, but soon I found myself a bit more isolated and once again, fell victim to bullying. I still had my large group of friends, for the most part, though, so it wasn't all that bad. Junior year, with the pressure of getting into college the following year and finding away to pay for it, I enrolled in five AP courses, putting my stress at an all time high with the struggle of balancing academics and extracurriculars, and of course, the bullying continued. Many of my "friends" had appeared to abandon me. I was left with a small group of friends, and I was fine with that. The stress of dealing with all of those elements was not great for me. While my friends went home for lunch, I stayed at the school, eating alone and working on homework because what else could I do? My performance in sports went downhill and there was way too much going on to stay grounded. Bullying got worse and appeared to be amplified with everything that was going on at the same time, at school and at home. Bullies focused on my SES, my weight, my appearance, my devotion to academics, my lack of being in a relationship, all of it. What's sad is that many of the younger students followed in the footsteps of their older friends and bullied me too. 

Senior year, I was almost completely isolated, much of it as my own choice to escape from the bullying, except for my small, close circle of friends. I was sick of the bullying, and I thought that if I just isolated myself from people, they couldn't reach me. People I thought were friends now didn't talk to me at all. They acted like they were above me and started to bully me too, but just a couple of years earlier, they were all "buddy-buddy." It seemed like the only kids who truly accepted me for who I was were the arts kids, but of course, because they are awesome. It takes a certain type of person to dedicate themselves to the arts. I put all of my time into my academics and college applications and clubs, desperate for a way to pay for college. My anxiety was at its peak. I felt alone and as my "friends "abandoned me one by one, I couldn't wait to leave that school. Luckily, I did get a chance to put all of that anger and frustration into my STEM magnet project, which focused on bullying, as well as into the SAVE (Suicide Awareness Voices of Education) chapter my friend started and No Place For Hate. Still, I counted down the days until I could finally get out of that school. I loved my teachers and the small group of friends I had, but other than that, there was nothing left for me at that school. There was nothing left for me in Greeley. I yearned for the day that I could leave and finally leave it all behind. The bullying, the accompanying struggles, the darkness, the loneliness, all of it.

Three years into college, I look back on how the bullying and suicide have shaped my life. Though the struggles were very real and difficult to deal with, I do not wish my life had been any easier, nor wish those experiences did not happen. They've led me to where I am today and the person I am today. Though bullying appears every now and again in college, because apparently some people haven't grown up, I am better equipped to handle it and to not be a bystander when it happens to other people. The topic of suicide comes up every so often in college as well, with trainings about how to help those with suicidal thoughts, and with those I am prepared to handle the situation when it arises. Unfortunately, there are a couple of times where that has happened. But my past has prepared me to be an advocate for the present and the future.

5. A lot of the people I used to talk to on a daily basis and were pretty close with are ones that I barely talk to or haven't talked to at all since I started college in 2013.

When people told me that I probably wouldn't talk to my friends from high school after graduation, I didn't want to believe them, but guess what: that's exactly what happened. The only people I regularly talk to from high school are my two best friends. As for the rest of my high school buddies, our friendships, if you can even call them friendships, consist of seeing each other's lives change via our Facebook newsfeed, maybe throwing in a couple of likes now and again. We don't even Facebook message that often, if at all. Even some of the people I though I was close to don't talk to me, even if I try to reach out to them. After graduation, everything changes and everyone heads out on their own paths in life. Well, if you are one of those friends, and would like to reconnect, reach out! I'd love to catch up!

6. The first and only time I've gotten pulled over was due to not putting on my headlights all the way.

When my mom's 1994 Dodge Shadow was determined to be a safety hazard by the mechanics, my grandma gave my mom her 2007 Nissan Sentra. It is a great car. Reliable, good looking, and newer. The first day I drove the car, my mom and I headed to some restaurant, probably subway, to get some dinner. I turned on the headlights, or at least I thought I did, since it was dark out. I thought they seemed a little dim, but my mom assured me they were on. I drove to the restaurant without thinking of it. Upon the return trip, I saw flashing lights and heard the cop car. I figured there was someone behind me that got pulled over, so I kept driving. After a couple seconds, I realized that I was being pulled over, so I stopped at the stop sign and pulled over to the side of the rode. What was going on? What was happening? I didn't do anything! I was hella scared. The officer asked me if I knew what I had done. I said no. She said that my headlights were not on and that I could have caused an accident. I had no idea. I quickly turned them on and apologized, talking about how we just got the car and didn't quite know how to work it. She took my license and registration and headed back to her car. I was so afraid that I was going to go to jail or something that I sat in the drivers seat and cried, while my mom just looked at me, wondering what the hell I was doing. She returned to the window and gave me my documentation back. She said that I needed to make sure that I always had them on, and if she caught me with them off again, she wouldn't be so nice. I drove the rest of the two, three blocks home, still crying, because I didn't even want to see her ever again, because though she said she was nice, she was absolutely not.

7. I absolutely love graduations, probably more than the people graduating.

I'm not sure what it is about graduations: the sense of accomplishment, the rite of passage to moving on to bigger things, the parties, the food, the fun, the laughter, the people, the nostalgia. I absolutely love them. When I graduated from high school, you better believe I made it an event to remember. I decked myself out in my cords, rehearsed for hours for the songs we'd be singing, and spent months just imagining what it would be like to cross the stage and receive my diploma. I loved playing music with the band the years before. The feeling of excitement, the yearn for change, the desire to do something meaningful, the hope, the reflection, everything overcame me every time I would step foot in a graduation, especially at my own high school graduation. I've gone out of my way to attend my friends' graduations, missing fun and events I would normally prioritize to be there, even if they weren't quite as enthusiastic about my attendance. I think the reason I love graduations so much is because they represent a closing of a chapter of life and the beginning of another. For me, the chapter yet to be written was unmarked territory, like nothing I could ever imagine, because that chapter was the beginning of my college experience as a first generation college student. I spend way to much time imagining myself stepping across the stage to be the first person in my family to receive a college degree. But I'm okay with that.

8. I am awful at fundraising, unless it's selling chocolate bars.

I don't like asking people for money, mostly because I know what it's like to not have money. Growing up in a single parent household living below the poverty line, you learn pretty quick how to determine the necessities from the extras, and why people, even though they would like to help you out with your endeavor, just can't. I spent a good time of my school days participating in fundraisers, whether it be for sports teams or school or other clubs and activities. I've sold Grizz cards, which are discount cards for local businesses, raffle tickets, chocolate bars, cookie dough, tupperware, and anything else you might imagine. When I participated in Girl Scouts, I sold delicious cookies. That is one purchase that I can justify to myself. The only luck I've ever had with fundraising comes in the form of those dollar candy bars. They make milk chocolate, dark chocolate, caramel, crisp, and almond bars. Because they were delicious and hella cheap, most people could justify spending a couple of bucks for a couple of delicious treats. One time, I sold enough to go to a rootbeer float party and I got to bring home a light up cup. I thought it was pretty cool. If you need to raise money for an organization or a cause, I am not the one to do it. Don't put me in charge of recruiting donors or selling stuff; it's not my strength.

9. RYLA was one of the first places where I felt like I truly belonged.

The summer of 2011, I attended RYLA, also known as Rotary Youth Leadership Awards. It's a life-changing leadership training for incoming high school juniors and seniors where leadership skills are developed and enhanced in an atmosphere of trust and respect. RYLA focuses on developing young adults into the leaders of tomorrow, with a desire to change the world through responsible and effective leadership. 

Throughout the week, I made a ton of new friends, and made my own little family within Team 11: The Hot Pinks. We participated in teambuilding activities, all conference activities, and reflection that really has one reflecting on their life so far, not being afraid to be vulnerable, and as a program, you grow close and confident. You begin to believe that you are worth it and that you can make a difference in the world.

Besides band, RYLA is one of the other places where I felt like I truly belonged. All of the students chosen to attend RYLA are so amazing and all have a desire to make the world a better place. Though I rarely talk to my RYLA friends, the bonds we made during that week of teambuilding and learning about ourselves and the world will always be ones that we carry with us.

10. One of the cases that initially got me interested in law was the Caylee Anthony case; I was a bit obsessed with it.

In 2011, Casey Anthony, a Florida woman, was put on trial after being accused of killing her two-year old daughter, Caylee Anthony, in 2008. The case garnered a lot of media attention, with folks are the edge of their seat wondering whether Caylee would receive the justice she deserved. After 33 days of testimony, presentation of evidence, and everything else that happens in a trial, Casey Anthony was acquitted. This verdict caused a major uproar within the US, with many claiming that Casey Anthony got away with murdering her daughter. Eventually, the case caused several states to push toward bills to make it a felony for parents and guardians who fail to report their missing children, which were unofficially named "Caylee's law," after her deceased daughter.

I heard about the case around the time the trial started. I had just finished my sophomore year of high school and was taking a summer English & literature class, not because I needed one, but because I needed something to do, it was free, and it was taught by a teacher I had heard was pretty cool; he ended up being one of my favorite teachers in high school. We had to do all these writing exercises, and I would always have them focus on this court case. His fiancee, studying to be a lawyer, so she was following the case as well. It caught my attention because it was a capital murder trial, it involved the murder of a very young, innocent child, and there were many pieces of evidence that made it appear as if the mother, Casey, didn't care that her child was dead and that she likely killed the child.

If you have some free time, definitely check out the case. It's an interesting one for sure. In the end, the jury found her not guilty. This caused an uproar, with people claiming that she got away with murder. Upon analyzing and considering what was made available to the public, I personally believe Casey Anthony did murder her daughter BUT I agree with the jury's decision because the prosecution did not prove beyond a reasonable doubt that she murdered her daughter. In our criminal justice system, we operate on the innocent until proven guilty feel, at least theoretically, so because the prosecution didn't tie up all of their ends, there was left the possibility that Caylee did drown in the swimming pool, her defense. Though I believe that is not actually what happened, the way the case played out did follow how our justice system is built. Did Caylee receive justice? No. Did Casey receive due process? Yes. But as we've seen, there are so many issues with our criminal justice system that guilty parties can be free because of a failure to prove beyond a reasonable doubt that a party is guilty, while others are unfortunately found guilty but truly innocent. It's interesting how our criminal justice system works for sure.

I became more interested in law after this case because I found analyzing the testimony and evidence to be exhilarating, as weird as that sounds. I have a very analytical brain; it's one of my strengths. Now I look ahead and wonder if law is the right career for me, because it's not all analysis all the time, but only time will tell if that's the path I follow.

30 Day Writing Challenge: My Favorite Color and Why

My Favorite Color and Why

Though I've changed my favorite color over the years, I've always been drawn to the grayscale and cooler colors such as dark green, purple, and turquoise, as welll as black and white. Currently, my favorite color is dark gray. I don't have a deep explanation as to why that is; I just really enjoy it. I love the rain and the skies are gray when it rains. Rocks are often gray, and I enjoy being outdoors. I prefer to write in pencil than pen or other utensils, and pencil lead is usually gray. If we want to go deeper, nothing in this world is black or white; there is a lot of gray area. The color gray also seems calm too. If we really want to go deep, according to my internet research, gray represents security, reliability, intelligence, stability, strength of character, authority, and maturity, all of which fit my personality and who I am as a person. So I'm the odd one whose favorite color is dark gray and who hopes to eventually obtain a Mustang (the car) in that color.

30 Day Writing Challenge: Bulleted List of My Day

Bulleted List of My Day (how boring)

Friday, September 20th

• woke up at 6am to work on my final presentation for Spanish class
• got ready in like 5 minutes to head down to breakfast
• ate eggs and toast and drank coffee and orange juice with my housemates and mama Tica
• headed to Spanish class
• listened to the other students present their presentations
• presented about allowing refugees from Syria into the US
• waited for my profe to grade my final exam after class; only two of us did not get our final exams back that we had taken yesterday
• received my grade for my final exam: 84
• briefly chatted with Danielle, a friend of mine, about our trip to Tortuguero that we were planning
• headed back to my homestay to drop off my backpack and computer
• walked to the mini supermarket to buy bread and snacks
• made myself a sandwich for lunch
• browsed my emails and Facebook for a little while
• started to edit my resume to apply for internships for the spring and summer
• updated my Grad Plan with my final grades for my two Spanish classes, 93 and 90 respectively
• updated my spreadsheet where I have my budget and spending for my time abroad
• edited my resumes a little more
• researched about education policy in the US compared to Costa Rica to write an article for DU Roosevelt
• worked on some blog entries
• made a map for the Art City Tour so I would make sure to hit all the museums and galleries -- I ended up not going because of the pouring rain, and sadly, it's the only one that happened during my time here :(
• did a 30 minute workout
• edited my resumes a little more
• put away my school stuff
• ate dinner with one of my housemates and mama Tica
• read some of my reading for my communications class
• went to the bar with my housemate and a friend
• stayed there for a bit, then went home to catch some zzz's before my trip to Tortuguero

30 Day Writing Challenge: A Quote I Try To Live By

A Quote I Try To Live By

" Think of all the beauty still left around you and be happy" 

- Anne Frank

This is one of my favorite quotes of all time. For me, it represents the importance of gratitude and choosing to be happy in the face of adversity. It represents the power of positivity and the power of optimism. For me, I take time to feel thankful for everything in my life and how my past experiences have led me to where I am today. Despite the obstacles I've overcome and those I will face in the future, I have chosen to be optimistic about the future and positive about the past. I have chosen to be happy about the present. Though I know I will face struggle, I know I can overcome it. And rather than be mad about having the struggle in the first place, I use the struggle as motivation to better my future.

30 Day Writing Challenge: Three Pet Peeves

Three Pet Peeves

Not the best example of my writing skills; more like a rant.

1. When people don't pull over for emergency vehicles

I see this happen so much and it greatly irritates me. A fire truck or an ambulance races down the street to respond to an emergency call. While the majority of cars pull over to the side of the road to let it pass, there are always a couple jerks who don't pull over. As a result, response time is slowed, and that delay could make a difference in the outcome of the emergency situation. It takes a mere five to ten seconds to pull over to the side of the road and let an emergency vehicle pass you. When you fail to pull over, you are a jerk. I don't care who you are, but I doubt that you are heading to an emergency situation where time is of the essence. You can take five to ten seconds to pull over and then you can speed off to your destination. Unless you are heading somewhere to save someone's life, pull over and let responders do their job and save lives. 

2. People who complain all day, every day

I want to help you with your problems; I really do. I love listening to what's going on and give you advice. But at some point, it just becomes annoying complaining for no reason. If you don't want to do something, don't do it. If you don't understand why someone is acting a certain way, talk to them about it. If you want to change something, do it. Actively work toward that change. Don't just complain. That will do nothing but annoy everyone around you. If you need help moving toward that change, ask, but don't do nothing.

3. People who just love to judge others i.e. bullies

Everyone makes judgements every now and then about others, but some people take it too far. Some feel as though they need to dictate every aspect of a person's life, that they are always right and the person is always wrong because of who they are. I hate those people. I don't hate much, but those are people I cannot stand in the slightest, especially when they tell people to kill themselves for simply breathing. I am not violent whatsoever, but when people decide that they ought to be in control of the lives of everyone around them and that they are somehow superior to these other people, I really want to punch them in the face. Who are you to say that someone has to live according to your standards? Who are you to say that someone's life is wrong? If anyone's life is wrong, it's the lives of these judgmental jerks.

30 Day Writing Challenge: My Life in 7 Years

My Life in 7 Years

When I started college, I thought I knew what I wanted to do with the rest of my life. I envisioned that I would graduate with a degree in Socio-legal Studies, go to law school, study public interest law, graduate, and become a public defender. I saw myself eventually becoming a judge and eventually a US Supreme Court justice, because naturally, that's how it happens. But now, three years in to college, I'm not so sure anymore. Over the years, I've considered so many different career paths that I just don't know anymore. I used to consider pediatrics, engineering, accountancy, teaching, journalism, social work, performing arts, school psychology, chemistry, math, Spanish, college counseling, nonprofit work, and various other careers and areas of study to match my odd combination of interests. Now, I don't even know in which direction I'm heading. The only thing I know for sure is that I want to help people. Giving back to the community is my calling, helping others is what I know I am meant to do, but I just don't know how I want to do that. 

In seven years, I will be 28. What are you even supposed to be doing at 28 years old? I don't even know what I'm supposed to be doing as a 21 year old! If I can't decide what I'm going to eat for lunch, how am I supposed to choose a direction for my life? I can't even decide if I'm going to graduate early in the fall or somehow add another minor or something to graduate next spring. I'm definitely not ready to leave college yet. One, I don't know what's out there for me after college. Two, I love learning.

As for the rest of my life in seven years, I'm pretty sure I'll be in Colorado and own a cat or two. That's all I'm sure of at this point.

I guess it's not all that bad that I don't have a set path. I am able to alter and remake the path as I go. But at the same time, having a very detailed, analytical brain, not knowing, not having a plan, stresses me out so much. I know that eventually I will end up where I need to be; I just hope that I have at least some idea. 

30 Day Writing Challenge: My Commute

My Commute

My homestay

My commute from my homestay in San José, Costa Rica, to my study abroad university, Universidad Veritas is easy and fast. I live right around the block from the school. It's easily a two-three minute walk. I head downstairs, unlock the double lock with my key, head out the door, and then turn around to double lock the door once again with my key. The amount of security and locks at my homestay is interesting, but I definitely feel safe I take a left at the stop sign, and I'm basically on campus. I usually leave my homestay at 7:58am, even though class starts at 8am. One, because it is part of the culture for Ticos to run late due to conversations and other priorities, my profe is never there on time. Also, since I live two minutes away, I can make it to class right on time. Today, this morning it was nice and cool out. It felt great. I also saw a couple of stray cats. Seeing stray animals is very normal here. It's sad, but normal. I always make sure to give them some love. Side note, the animals here are much smaller than in the U.S., especially the cats. I still haven't figured out why. 

Stray kitty!

I almost always head back to my homestay when my morning class lets out at noon, since I don't have class until 3pm or 6pm depending on the day of the week. Buying groceries and making my own lunch at my homestay is a lot cheaper than eating lunch at the nearby restaurants every day. Every once in a while, I'll definitely go with some friends. Once again, I have to open the double lock and then double lock it behind me.

view from my university

When I leave for my afternoon class, I usually grab my umbrella because it typically starts to rain about 3 or 4 o'clock. Sometimes it also rains at like 8pm, so an umbrella is great for after my 6 o'clock class. Once again, I open the double lock and double lock it behind me. Today, I left early for my 3pm class. I felt that after my difficult Spanish final this morning, I deserved a treat. I got some skittles and a coke from the on-campus deli and headed to class. Soon after I arrived in class, the rain started pouring. If you've ever been to Costa Rica, you know the rain is no joke. The picture below was from the other day when I forgot my umbrella. In my two-three minute walk home, I was drenched. Today, I just missed the downpour. As it often is, it was hard to hear my profe because the sound of the rain overpowered her voice. Nevertheless, I'll take the rainy commute over the snow going on back at home right now. 

The rain here is no joke

30 Day Writing Challenge: What Tattoos I Have and If They Have a Meaning

What Tattoos I Have and If They Have a Meaning

I currently am tattoo-free. Would I like to get some tattoos? Yes. After dealing with root canals and braces and fillings and other things, I feel like I have a pretty high pain tolerance. My only two concerns are cost and location. Tattoos are expensive, and it's been hard to justify putting out money on them, but in order to have good quality ones that are done by great, trustworthy artists, you need to put out money on them. I hate spending money in general, so when it's not a gift for others or food, I have a hard time justifying my expenditures. Though I don't have any tattoos currently, I've thought a lot about the ones I would get. I don't know where, but likely in areas that aren't super painful nor 100% visible all the time. All of the following desired tattoos have meanings and significance in my life; if I do get them at some point, they'll be a way to tell my story, kind of like these blogs, but through art on my body.

Bass Clef Treble Clef Heart

Involvement in music saved my life. My clarinet, and my music, have been a source of stability in my life. I've been able to escape from the world through that music, and regain ahold of my life when I felt is was crumbling away. It's the one thing that hasn't ever left me; it's always there when I need it to be. During middle and high school, I had a really rough time. I didn't belong anywhere, I had very few friends, and I didn't feel like I could keep living like that. The bullying got really bad and I started writing song lyrics to cope with everything that was going on. It helped me survive those years, that, playing my clarinet, and band. 

Band was the first place where I felt where I belonged. I've always been the outcast and have always felt super alone, but not in band. In band, the people understood me. They didn't need to know my history, or my background, or my struggles. They loved me for me and loved me for loving music. That love saved my life. If I didn't find that family in band, I don't even know if I'd be alive today. That's the truth.

The bass clef treble clef heart is already an existing symbol; I didn't make it up or create it or anything. But oddly enough, it encapsulates everything I wish to convey about the meaning of music in my life. The treble clef stands for the way that my clarinet, a treble clef instrument, changed my life by acting as a source of stability, in the face of any changes that would come my way. The bass clef represents the time I ventured out of my clarinet world and into the world of the double bass. It represents the dark times I went through that were healed by music. The heart represents the love I found for myself and others through my involvement with music. The family I found in band loved me for me, and how their love saved my life.

Puzzle Piece Butterfly/Semi-Colon

The second tattoo I would like to get is a mixture of three different things that mean a ton to me: autism awareness, how my life has changed, and how my story is not yet over. All of these ideals would be incorporated in what I call a puzzle piece butterfly with a semi-colon body. It's a lot of words that might make it difficult to picture. Basically, it's a tattoo of a butterfly. The wings are filled with colored puzzle pieces, and the body, rather than being just a curvy line, is actually a semi-colon. Does that make sense? If not, ask me and I'll attempt to draw it for you.

Puzzle pieces are a nationally recognized symbol of autism awareness. For those of you who do not know, I have an older brother who has autism. The way people treat him for his differences is disgusting. He is one of the reasons why I will have a conversation with you if I hear the word "retarded" come out of your mouth. Though it may not seem like that big of a deal, it's important to refrain from using the "r-word." It doesn't matter that you are not using it as a descriptor of someone with an intellectual disability. The connotation and the history behind it is still there. And if you need a chart to tell you when you can use it (hint: the answer is never), here's a link to one: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/10/29/r-word-advocacy_n_6064196.html

The butterfly represents how all of the changes I've gone through in my life, big and small, are setting me on a path to a beautiful future. Just like a caterpillar undergoes a metamorphosis to become a beautiful butterfly, I've undergone a lot of changes and growth within my life that have allowed me to become a better person each and every day.

The semicolon has become a popular tattoo idea recently. It means something along the lines of "my story is not over." For me, that has a lot more meaning. In my darkest hours, there were times that I thought nothing could have gotten better in my life, that life was not worth living anymore. But to get through those times, I would tell myself that my story wasn't over yet, that it was my destiny to change it and go after whatever I wanted in life. I have the destiny to determine my future, and I want it to be bright.

Mulan Quote

I know what you are thinking: "That is so cheesy" and "Is it because you are a Disney fan?" I know it can appear to be cheesy, but for me, a specific quote from the movie Mulan has a deeper meaning than just that I like it. And no, it's not because I enjoy watching Disney movies. The first couple of times I heard it, I couldn't place where it came from. It wasn't until much later on that I found out it was from the move Mulan. The quote I'm talking about is the famous one said by the Emperor of China: "The flower that blooms in adversity is the most rare and beautiful of all." I'd imagine it would look something similar to this, except a tattoo.

For me, that quote takes a much different meaning than just the surface value of the quote. For me, it seems like obstacles are in my way wherever I go. I just can't catch a break. I didn't have an easy childhood, and it took all of my strength to get to where I am today. I had so many obstacles put in my way making it more and more difficult to get to college, to get to where I am today. And somehow, with everything attempting to stop me, I've managed to move past them and keep pursing my dreams. It's been a difficult road, and it continues to be a difficult road. Something that has helped me through those rough times was kindness, and the inside beauty of others, encouragement, and love. I have so much gratitude for the teachers that told me that I was worth something, that I could reach any dream that I dreamt, that no matter how hard things got I could always overcome them. I look back on my life, and without those support systems, I wouldn't be a first generation college student, I wouldn't be fighting against social injustices, and I'm not even sure if I'd be alive today. For me, that quote tells the story of my life, the hope, the love, the desire, how those struggles have made me the person I am today. For me, it's more than just a quote from a fabulous Disney movie.

30 Day Writing Challenge: A Book I Love and One I Didn't

A Book I Love and One I Didn't

I am a book lover. I could read books all day every day if I could. I read so many good books, a lot of great books, and a good group that I've fallen in love with, so it's hard to comb through the books I've read, probably hundreds by now, in order to pick one that I didn't enjoy reading. But here it goes. These are some that I remember off the top of my head; they're not completely representative of all of my reading adventures.

Book I Love: The Giving Tree

Photo credit:
books.google.com

The Giving Tree, by Shel Silverstein, is my favorite book of all time. The book follows the relationship between a tree and a boy. As the boy ages, the boy takes and takes from the tree to the point where the tree becomes nothing more than a stump. They tree cares for and loves deeply the boy, which is why it is willing to sacrifice itself over time. In the end, the tree has nothing left to give, and the boy finally ceases to ask for anything, just to sit on it's stump. The book ends with the phrase, "And the tree was happy."

This story is a story of friendship. Though I don't think the friendship was a completely healthy one, as the boy basically uses the tree throughout the vast majority of their friendship, but it introduces children to the concept of empathy and the beauty of giving. It teaches you that money and material things can't buy you happiness, that relationships, whether it be with other people, or with oneself, are critical for happiness. We need more love, more giving in the world. I aspire to be that tree. I want to give and give until there is nothing left of me, because for me, that will make me truly happy. I don't need a lot to be happy, just to know that I am helping others. 

Other Books (and other literary works) I Really Like:

• The Great Gatsby by F. Scott Fitzgerald
• The Scarlet Letter by Nathaniel Hawthorne
• Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen
• Great Expectations by Charles Dickens
• the Harry Potter series by J.K. Rowling
• Things Fall Apart by Chinua Achebe
• Fahrenheit 451 by Ray Bradbury
• Anthem by Ayn Rand
• Animal Farm by George Orwell
• A Midsummer Night's Dream by William Shakespeare
• The Diary of Anne Frank by Anne Frank
• Romeo and Juliet by William Shakespeare

Book I Didn't Love: Heart of Darkness (sorry Seematter!)

Photo credit:
books.google.com

I read Heart of Darkness by Joseph Conrad my senior year of high school in my AP Literature class. This book follows the journey of a man named Marlow during a trip to Africa as a member of an ivory trading firm. Along the way, he witnesses struggle and brutality between the native people and the colonizers. He meets a man named Kurtz, who is a "prisoner" and "god" of the native people and "rescues" him. Kurtz eventually dies and Marlow spends the rest of the book picking up the pieces after his death. 

It's a rough book to get through, in my opinion. The writing style, the events of the book, it just took me awhile to get through. Keep in mind though, I was also a senior in high school with little motivation to do anything. I'm not sure if I didn't love it because it was a challenge or because I didn't actually understand it completely. Literature is also not my best subject, so I missed a lot of the literary elements present in the book. I also don't think I understood the context of the book well enough. Eventually, I plan to go back and read it again and see if I come to a different conclusion, now that I'm in my third year of college. 

Other Books I Didn't Love:

• Breaking Dawn by Stephanie Meyer